Bitmapped Balls and the End of an Era

I loved my Amstrad CPC464, probably more than any computer I’ve owned since, certainly more than any I had before. Unfortunately, time stands still for no man, end eventually, I was going to have to move on to something new.

That time came in 1989, and deciding just what to move on to was easy, in fact I had decided the year before.

Why?

Somewhere around the beginning of my secondary school career, and desperate as ever to fit in somewhere, I had attached myself to a guy in my year like a socially unaware limpet. I want to say it was his fault because he never explicitly told me to f**k off, but I accept now that he dropped many many hints that I just didn’t pick up on.

He had been nice to me, and invited me round his house once to play on his brothers Commodore 64. This made him my friend, which fairly obviously meant he couldn’t be friends with anyone else and I could turn up at his house any time I wanted to continue playing with his stuff.

Man you’re weird.

I know this behaviour was wrong now because it was explained to me by someone else a few years later (Thank’s A, I really miss you), but at the time I genuinely believed friendship was defined that way, a stubborn part of me still believes it. I don’t understand why he was never clear with me although, to be fair, his brother absolutely hated me, and was not shy about saying so to my face.

Anyway, we’re getting off topic here, blah blah Commodore 64, and yes he was the reason I wanted one so badly, I really thought I would fit in better if I had the same computer as him because he seemed so popular, but come 1988 the brother had upgraded to a Commodore Amiga A500, and one of the first games they got for it was Speedball.

The set up

Think ice hockey, but with a ball that you throw, obstructions that alter the trajectory and speed of that ball, a magic hole you can throw the ball through that makes it appear on the other side of the rink, no ice and come to think of it, it’s much more like five-a-side football.

Execution

There are a bunch of game modes to pick from. All pretty self explanatory. You can play with yourself, someone else or engage in a 1 player league, whatever that is^*.

You can also save your current progress, or, and I know this sounds unbelievable, reload that progress and carry on!

This is a new game situation though so, once again remembering that I really didn’t know anyone that wanted to spend any time with me, as ever it’s 1 player. Whatever your choice though, it’s off to…

…pick your team from the lineup after weighing up the pros and cons of each, paying particular attention to the power and skill statistics, then completely ignoring those and going with the coolest picture. I like Lacerta, but not because of the gimp mask though, it’s definitely some other reason.

Once selected, you find yourself in a futuristic arena waiting for the speedy ball to emerge from the center. It shoots off in a random direction, so you can’t anticipate it, but you can hit the fire button and tackle an opponent if he happens to get there first.

Open play is frenetic, and rewards bold moves. If you aren’t currently in possession of the ball, hitting the fire button while moving will start a tackle. If you’re stronger than your opponent you’ll get the ball, if not you’ll get a smack. Hitting fire while stationary makes you jump, handy for retrieving a high flying ball as it passes over but it leaves you vulnerable to the cans of whoop-ass the other team are opening all over the place.

If you have the ball, you can run with it (recommended), or you can throw it. A quick press of the fire button throws it at player level which works for passing to another player or scoring goals. A long press throws it high, handy for throwing it over the other team.

There’s only a few other things to think about.

When you get the ball to your opponents end, you need to throw it into the goal, avoiding both the domes that will bounce the ball away at an angle and the goalkeeper. At your end, once your keeper is in view you control both your player and the goalkeeper simultaneously. The catch here is that keeping him in front of the ball can mean moving your player away from the opponent.

Finally, every now and again a spinning icon will appear in the play-field. It could be a coin, which you collect to buy things after the match, or it could be a power-up which has the immediate effect of freezing your opponent or making the ball hot or, you know, some other stuff.

Buyers remorse

It’s stylish, it’s fast, the controls are so simple my dead goldfish could have played, albeit not very well, the difficulty curve isn’t too steep and there’s a solid hour of fun to be had. The only other place you can get all of that at once is a brothel, unfortunately there are other similarities, and not just the whole rigid joystick double entendre thing that I’m too lazy to construct right now.

Firstly, the computer is far too good at relieving you of your balls. You can have the heaviest and strongest team, but the slightest touch and you’re down on your hands and knees, er, etc.

Secondly, the fire button is too sensitive. It’s way too easy to thumb it a bit too hard and shoot your balls all over the wall above the goal, and so on.

Finally, the music eventually becomes really annoying and ruins your performance.

So?

I had such fond memories of this game. My guess is that the clinical depression I was undoubtedly suffering in ‘89 slightly muddied my recollection. I mean it’s certainly not terrible, and I can see that it would be more fun with a second person.

Unfortunately there’s no real sense of progression, it’s all so samey that until it was pointed out to me I hadn’t even noticed that the play-field layout changes between matches! It’s like an adrenaline rush, it fires you up for a few minutes and then leaves you tired, irritable and wishing you’d kept your trousers on.

Now you can endure the same painful 20 minutes or so I had to, only your palms won’t be sweating when you’re done. Probably. I mean, I’m not judging.

^* Yes, I know what a league is, i’m just not sure how it could work with only 1 person in it!

Cover image by Pexels from Pixabay

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